Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

I am not young enough to know everything.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.