I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

I am not young enough to know everything.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.